Jesus loves you. But…

July 20, 2009 at 6:42 pm 39 comments

(Found this on the web. And just ’cause humor is so funny, I’m sharing it here.)

Jesus loves you. But he has a messiah complex.
Jesus loves you. But then again he is under contract.
Jesus loves you! But he is high maintenance.
Jesus loves you! But it’s complicated.
Jesus loves you! Apparently it runs in the family.
Jesus loves you! But he seriously needs to update his status.
Jesus Loves You! But I hear he’s polyamorous.
Jesus Loves You! But does he LIKE you???
Jesus Loves You! But he ADORES Madonna!!
Jesus Loves You! But his handlers can be quite difficult.
Jesus Loves You! But I hear he’s clingy.
Jesus Loves You! But he may be missing a Y chromosome
Jesus Loves You! But I hear he is sick and in prison.
Jesus Loves You! And with your tax-deductible seed gift…
Jesus Loves You! But for a limited time only; while supplies last.
Jesus Loves You! But I’ve heard rumors…
Jesus Loves You! Or it might just be gas.
Jesus Loves You! He doesn’t mind the scars one bit.
Jesus Loves You! But he was caught up in that whole prisoner abuse scandal.
Jesus Loves You! He’s the Real Thing™ Now w/ convenient eco-friendly Emergent Church® twist-off cap.
Jesus Loves You! But he may be a little too old for you.
Jesus Loves You! For the Bible tells him to.
Jesus Loves You! But he does play favorites.
Jesus Loves You! Act now & we will automatically enroll you in Spiritual Fruit of the Month Club. Collect them all! Operators standing by.
Jesus Loves You! Shocking new book for children, banned in 12 states — “Jesus has Two Daddies, One mommy and an Invisible Friend!”
Jesus Loves You! Now Healthy Choice Jesus–sugar-free, low-carb, and no trans-fats. New formula–same savior taste!
Jesus Loves You! But now what???


Entry filed under: LeoPardus. Tags: , , .

Forum Feature: My de-conversion “coming out” letter to my family Overcoming the “Convert Everyone” Mentality

39 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Ubi Dubium  |  July 20, 2009 at 7:26 pm

    Jesus saves, but the Mongol hoards.
    Jesus saves, but Moses scores on the rebound.
    Jesus saves, and takes half damage (that’s for the D&D geeks out there).
    And: Jesus Loves You***
    (***some restrictions apply)

  • 2. the chaplain  |  July 20, 2009 at 10:35 pm

    Jesus Loves You***
    (***some restrictions apply)

    Too funny. 🙂

  • 3. Joshua  |  July 21, 2009 at 1:11 am

    Jesus loves you just the way you are, but you have to make Him your Lord, carry a kinky cross your entire life, and let him inside you all the time or else you are not good enough for him.

    Better to be single.

  • 4. LeoPardus  |  July 21, 2009 at 10:28 am

    Ack! I understood the D&D joke! Ack! Even 30 years wasn’t enough to erase it all from my memory banks.

  • 5. vjack  |  July 21, 2009 at 11:22 am

    Jesus loves you! But he’s been dead for over 2,000 years, and that is really gross.

  • 6. SnugglyBuffalo  |  July 21, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    The D&D joke is even more obscure now with 4th edition, since saving throws are a completely different mechanic in that one. No more saving to take half damage.

  • 7. LeoPardus  |  July 21, 2009 at 1:17 pm

    When you die you are so going to go to Geek heaven.

  • 8. LeoPardus  |  July 21, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    Jesus loves you. But he wants to you be his bride…. even if you’re male. (I am soooo creeped out.)

  • 9. Joe  |  July 21, 2009 at 3:29 pm

    The D&D joke is even more obscure now with 4th edition (#6)

    Do people still play the original D & D? Are there conventions, contests, etc.? I’m going to google it–I had forgotten all about that fad.

  • 10. Joe  |  July 21, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    I googled it. Man—-D & D is alive and kicking—I’m really surprised with all the other games that have come out since. Kind of amazing actually.

  • 11. Quester  |  July 21, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    Jesus loves you! But His standards are ridiculously low.

    Jesus loves you, no matter what! Which is why you need to do what I tell you.

    Jesus loves you! And is watching you in the shower.

  • 12. paleale  |  July 21, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    Jesus loves you! But (spoiler alert!) he dies in the end.

  • 13. Ubi Dubium  |  July 21, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    Jesus loves you, no matter what! Which is why you need to do what I tell you.

    I love that one!
    (And yes, we still play original D&D. I’ve been a geek for a really long time.)

  • 14. LeoPardus  |  July 21, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    Original D&D!!?? Do you mean the original 3 booklet set from the ancient days of Cary Gygax??

  • 15. LeoPardus  |  July 21, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    Jesus loves you! But (spoiler alert!) he dies in the end.

    But there’s a sequel. “The Return of Jesus”

  • 16. Quester  |  July 21, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    Sure, there’s a sequel, but it was supposed to be a trilogy so that all the loose ends could get wrapped up. We might never know what happens, though. I hear rumour that the writer’s dead.

    Jesus loves you! If He hated you, He might actually do something about it.

  • 17. SnugglyBuffalo  |  July 21, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    I get together with my roommate, his girlfriend, a coworker and his wife and two of their friends every other Saturday to play 4th ed. D&D. I have another group of friends who meet every other Friday to play Shadowrun (a roleplaying game in a dystopian-future scifi/fantasy setting). I’d say roleplaying is very much alive and well.

    I’m still frustrated that I can’t find any good miniatures to represent my dragonborn sorcerer.


    When you die you are so going to go to Geek heaven.

    You have no idea 😛

  • 18. Joe  |  July 21, 2009 at 7:46 pm


    Do you dress up in costumes when you play? Do you put on the Gandalf beard? :>)

  • 19. SnugglyBuffalo  |  July 21, 2009 at 11:12 pm

    I have a fedora I wear during Shadowrun games 😛

    Beyond that, no, I’ve never gone as far as cosplaying my characters, or cosplaying in general.

  • 20. LeoPardus  |  July 22, 2009 at 12:40 pm

    Jesus loves you. But if you don’t love him back, to hell with you.

  • 21. Quester  |  July 22, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    Jesus loves you! Hopefully, you’re into sado-masochism.

  • 22. Joe  |  July 22, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    Snuggly— #19

    I looked up Shadowrun on Wikipedia. I had never heard of that game before. It says it is a “pen and paper” game. Is it time-consuming—I mean, how long does it take to start and finish a game? Sounds interesting.

  • 23. SnugglyBuffalo  |  July 22, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    Depends on what you mean by “a game.” A typical session in the group I play with goes for about 3-4 hours. But each session is usually part of an overarching story the game master is running, which takes multiple sessions to get through.

  • 24. Joe  |  July 22, 2009 at 4:27 pm


    Oh—OK, thanks. I know D & D could go for days as I remember–never played, but I remember people really getting into it.

  • 25. Quester  |  July 22, 2009 at 7:35 pm


    You doing 4th ed. Shadowrun?

  • 26. Bajki  |  July 23, 2009 at 7:57 am

    Pretty funny. Though I don’t really think that’s going to convince anyone to anything. It’s just a harmless little joke.

  • 27. Quester  |  July 23, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    Thank-you, Bajki. We’re not here to convince anyone of anything. We’re not here to deconvert anyone. We’re here to provide resources and support for the doubting, the deconverting and the deconverted. Humor is one such resource. I’m glad you see the humour in these jokes.

  • 28. paleale  |  July 23, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    Along the D&D lines, anyone ever play Killer Bunnies? It’s not a role-playing game but it’s long and requires lots of dice and a bizarre sense of humor.

  • 29. Joe  |  July 23, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    Do you put the bunnies in different compartments, then begin to hit each one with a mallet in an attempt to create a musical piece? Oh wait, that was Monty Python, and mice. :>)

  • 30. Quester  |  July 23, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    Sounds familiar, Paleale, but I can’t say I’ve played it.

  • 31. SnugglyBuffalo  |  July 23, 2009 at 6:17 pm


    Yes, we’re doing 4th edition. I’m playing a human Technomancer. We’ve also got a Mage, Adept, Smuggler, and Face, though the girl playing the Face has frequently missed games due to her work schedule.

    In relation to the “Jesus loves you!” jokes, I think it’s relevant to link to a particular Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comic.

  • 32. Joe  |  July 23, 2009 at 6:20 pm


    Does it involve an interrogation room, Easter eggs, and Julia Child cooking tips on film? If so I have never heard of it. Where does the dice come in?

  • 33. Quester  |  July 23, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    In a casual game I’m in, SB, I’m playing an Orkish Bounty Hunter, while my wife is playing a human Technomancer. I haven’t played enough to get a real feel for the system, but it seems fun.

  • 34. paleale  |  July 24, 2009 at 1:18 am

    It’s a card game, where you try to kill off the other players’ bunnies using such things as nuclear spatulas and the ebola virus in a quest to find the magic carrot. Dice are for saves and gambling. One is encouraged to bribe, lie, deal, threaten and make secret alliances.

  • 35. Quester  |  July 24, 2009 at 1:38 am


    Sounds kind of like one of the Munchkin games, or something from the Cheapass games guys.

  • 36. SnugglyBuffalo  |  July 24, 2009 at 12:37 pm

    I’ve certainly enjoyed Shadowrun, though it’s one of the more complex rule systems. We’re actually talking about putting Shadowrun on hold for another D&D campaign once we finish our current story arc. We may or may not go back to Shadowrun after that D&D campaign, depending on how the group feels.

  • 37. Marie  |  August 15, 2009 at 3:42 pm


  • 38. spinnakerjksc  |  March 13, 2010 at 10:31 pm

    Jesus loves you… but nothing.

    That’s the truth, but I have to admit, these were hilarious.

    How do you get so many comments?

  • 39. euneirophrenia  |  May 30, 2010 at 12:34 pm

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